The reseblance is uncanny…

Short and sweet. So a few months ago I go to this graduation and lo and behold, I run into Bill from Left for Dead.

 

I was trying to photograph him in secret and I think he caught me.

So weird coincidence or cosplayer that got lost on his way to Comic-Con?

Categories: Uncategorized

Dashboard Camera Test

Going to try to post a new video every week. Mondays hopefully. I promise they’ll get better/less pointless.

ROCK, FLAG, AND EAGLE!

I want to be very clear. I’m glad Osama Bin Laden is dead. Even though I do find enjoyment in him being dead, I’m not going to go out and celebrate. I’m not going to pretend the world is that much of a safer place. I’m not going to pretend like I contributed to this victory in any way. And I’m not going to say this boosts my morale.

I typically would not post anything on this, but my feelings can’t be summarized in 140 characters or less.

When I first heard that Obama was making a surprise announcement tonight I dismissed it as him officially announcing his run for presidency in 2012. I still sat down in front of the TV and searched through the decimal channels on my converter box. If you’re unaware, converter boxes actually have decimal channels (I watched the announcement on 4.1). I turned it on just quick enough to catch a clip of Donald Trump’s The Apprentice get interrupted for the President to make this huge announcement.

We all know what happens next. For 20 minutes or so, whatever news network you were watching gave away the big surprise all the while making statements that this is changing the world. Security at the airports. The war on terror. It was all changing.

Finally, Obama comes on and tells us what we know; Osama Bin Laden, the leader of Al Qaeda since it’s inception, is dead. Just like a class act he points out the sacrifice so many Americans have made, the unity America felt after 9/11, and the support for the United States Military, Pakistani government, and The Heroes of 9/11*.

We all facebooked it, tweeted it, and whatever else people do’d it.

I’m still left with a lot of thoughts. Mainly, “HOW THE HELL DID WE COME TO THIS?”.

Remember just last week when America’s biggest concern was whether or not our own President was really American? Remember when our own President had to fly one of his aides across the country to satisfy the ridiculous demands of the people he’s supposed to leading?

Remember his speech after shunning the media and those who fueled the birther fire? Which let’s be honest, wouldn’t be an issue if he was a white man with a white name.

And while people were focused on if Obama was American or not, who paid attention to the heroes who risked their lives and health on The Pile in NYC now having to be screened by the FBI for their sacrifices to keep terrorists from getting federal money.

I can see Al Qaeda's plot now.

I know I may come off as a downer, but the average American citizen has no reason to celebrate the death of Bin Laden because we didn’t sacrifice. Let’s stop celebrating the death of one man and recognize the sacrifices of others.

Contrary to how some are acting, Obama didn’t kill Bin Laden. The soldiers did. He may have signed off on it, but they’re the ones that risked their lives. And that’s coming from self-proclaimed Obama supporter.

Pictured: Not actually what happened.

If you’ve made it this far I congratulate you. It’s further than I would have read. I just want to ask everybody to not squander the unity we saw almost 10 years ago. I’m not celebrating because I didn’t need this morale boost as everyone keeps calling it. I never lost my faith in the capabilities of our soldiers.

Rock, flag, and eagle…

*That’s right. They get emboldened, capitalized, and underlined.
They’ll never get enough respect.

For Your Literary Enjoyment

Disclaimer: I’m not a atheist, racist, or bigot. The point of this is to make you laugh. Not hurt your feelings. Once again, everything you are about to read is for comedic purposes. Well, most of it anyway.

If you go to enough doctor’s offices, dentist offices, or just about anywhere else where people typically wait around for extended periods of time, you’ll eventually come across a Chick Tract. These bad boys are published by a company called Chick Publications started by this guy Jack Chick. They’re basically evangelical comics folks hand out to lead people to Christ and warn them of Muslims, Homosexuals, Nazis, Catholics, and Catholic-Nazis (and for all you grammar Nazis out there, I capitalized the word homosexuals not because it is correct punctuation but because it looked weird amongst words that needed to be capitalized. I’m breaking barriers right now.)

I realize a lot of people aren’t aware of these fine pieces of American literature so I thought I would show off some of the finer publications. Included are descriptions, synopses, and pictures for your perusal.

Lets starts with three real-life facts

Real-Life Fact #1: Shriners are not white old men who drive funny little cars in parades and help children within the community. Shriners are actually witchcraft practicing Muslims who drive funny little cars and help children.

Real-Life Fact #2: The United States military hates Christians. This can be proven without a doubt in the tract entitled Holy Joe in which the protagonist, Holy Joe, neglects his duties as a soldier to talk about Christ and eventually gets on everybody’s nerves until they finally have had enough and send Joe into the Charlie infested jungles to get killed.

Our hero willingly wanders into the jungle and gets killed. God does not protect him because he apparently doesn’t pay attention to what is going on in Cambodia’s jungles or maybe it was just his time. Either way we can assume that Private Joe was not only a terrible soldier but also a complete jackass.

Seriously, this makes me uncomfortable.

Real-Life Fact #3: Homosexuals are violent, child molesting heathens hell bent on taking over the world. This is one of the most obvious of all real-life facts. This is pointed out in many of the Chick classics including Doom Town, Sin City, Birds and the Bees, and one of my personal favorites, The Gay Blade. None of which showing homosexual females. Proving my long held belief that there is nothing wrong with lesbians. That is until The Gay Blade was released. It briefly mentions that lesbians do as much as speak in public, which is probably about as bad to these folks as any other woman speaking in public. The main plot point is that homo-rebellion starts. Thus beginning the most fabulous uprising ever.

¡Viva la GAY Revolución!

One of my other favorites is Bad Bob!. First let me tell you, Bob is cool as hell. He sells drugs,  he takes no crap, and don’t you damn dare get his order wrong.

Leather jacket. Sweet shades. Awesome beard. Bad Bob.

So Bob gets nicked by the cops for selling meth out in the country with his failure of a drug dealer cousin. They get tossed in the can where Bob pretty much runs the place like a king. He even threatens to shank his own cousin for getting them caught.

While in the pokey, they’re visited by a guy who comes to tell them about the Gospel. So far the story is going pretty well and you can understand where they are going with this. That is, until you see the “hero” of the story. He’s about the most uncool person in the world.

Note the sweet rainbow on his t-shirt.

At this point I’m thinking “thanks, but no thanks”. I’d rather sell smack out in the boonies and and rough up squares in at the local diner with Bob than hang with this guy. I know I’m missing the point here and in the end Bob almost burns to death in a jail-house fire and gets saved while weeping like a little girl, but it really doesn’t give Christianity much of an appeal.

Read more…

Categories: Humor, Propaganda, Religion

Maybe I should be embarassed about this…

As a kid I loved wrestling. I’m not talking about Greco-Roman wrestling (although it is pretty sweet). I’m talking about true sports entertainment professional wrestling.

I got really into it when I was in elementary school and my brother and some friends watched it every Monday night. So naturally, we started doing what we saw on TV and being that I was the little guy and my brother was way bigger than me, I got chokeslammed and power-bombed non-stop. I’m pretty sure this limited my moves to the DDT and flipping everybody off Stone Cold style.

I was going to insert an image of a power-bomb here but couldnt find one that didnt look like something gay was going on.

Maybe I’m pushing it here to say wrestling was cool back in the day but it seemed that way. That ridiculousness just seemed more excusable. Like when, for no apparent reason, every wrestler would be brawling throughout the stadium. It was always awesome. Piledrivers all over the place.

Piledriver: Not gay at all.

Wrestling played a big role in my childhood. Example: one of my best friends to this day and I actually started talking because of wrestling and for approximately a year after all we said to each other was in an argument over who the best wrestler was (which was Mankind).

Another example is how I myself, brother, and friends spent countless hours on epic 40-man battle royales on the Nintendo 64 games. Maybe it’s an overstatement to say those nights of slobber-knocking (again wrestling sounding gay) barn-burners were influential in any way but I miss them.

What are you gonna do when Hulkamania runs wild on you?
Categories: Uncategorized

R.E.M. Said it Best

Since I was a kid I’ve been fascinated with end of the world scenarios. It’s been a fear of mine for as long as I can remember and if you think that’s stupid, I’m told it’s completely rational. I don’t know how it will go down. Anybody’s guess is as good as mine. However I do know it WILL go down.

My fear isn’t to die from a nuke going off in my back yard. I know what you’re thinking “Jacob, isn’t all the death the worst part of the coming apocalypse?” and my answer is “No, my friend. No it is not.” My fear is surviving in the wasteland because the unprepared end up as one of two things: food or sex slaves. And let’s just say I don’t have enough meat on my bones to feed many.

 

Option A

 

Option B (And being that I'm not buff like this dude, I'll look even more rediculous in the metal-studded undies.)

 

So get prepared now unless you want to wind up as dinner for a gay leather-clad motorcycle gang or the girlfriend of their Lord Humongous. Once again I know what you’re thinking, “Jacob, what’s with all the homophia?” and my reply is “Don’t judge me! They’re the ones who named their gang of eccentric marauders the gayboys.” And don’t get me started on Wez and his lover, The Golden Youth whose love was tragically cut short by Feral Boy’s boomerang of death.

Poor Golden Youth. We hardly knew you.

If you’re completely lost right now, go watch Mad Max 1 and 2. Feel free to pass on the third though. It’s pretty terrible. If you really want to know how bad the post-apoc wasteland is, wait until you finally realize the most stand-up guy is Mel Gibson.

Categories: Film, Humor

Bond, James Bond: Dr. No (1962)

When I was in elementary school, my friend Tye and I started an awesome spy club. His mom made official Tye and Jacob’s Spy Club stickers. Complete with a revolver and a magnifying glass as our official logo. Club activities included saying we were in a club and being scared of video games like Resident Evil. The spy club was very exclusive. So exclusive the only members were the two of us. I’m not exactly sure why we started the club but I do know James Bond was a major influence. I also think Austin Powers had a role in it.

The reason I’m talking about this is because I started watching all of the old Bond movies. First up is Dr. No from 1962 starring Sean Connery and instantly when the movie starts the first thing you’ll notice is how Sean Connery looks. I mean, I never realized how old this guy was until I saw him in a movie from 1962.

This mofo is old.

The next thing I noticed was that the intro/credits to the movie weren’t as long as I expected and this was in the 60s when they ran all the credits at the beginning. This changes by the later Bond movies. You know what I’m talking about. When the first 5 minutes of the movie Bond does something cool and the next 12-15 you’re watching credits on some half-naked babe’s body projected by the old overhead machines your math teacher would do problems on when you were in junior high.

Anyway, I’m not going to go into great detail because frankly, I’m not really sure what the hell was going on. It’s not that the plot was that deep. I just wasn’t that interested. The point is that James Bond is a total badass, makes cheesy one-liners, kills anybody he wants, and bangs anybody he wants. Seriously, in the first movie alone he gets down with three ladies. One of which he is completely aware she is trying to seduce and kill him.

You’re introduced to the antogonist Dr. No but you never really give a crap about him. His whole plan is to hi-jack the Project Mercury space launch with his atomic radio thing. You’re also introduced to SPECTRE, the counter-intelligence group that play a role in later films. It’s also notable that Bond doesn’t have any crazy gadgets to help him out on his mission.

Just stone cold badassery.

 

I don’t want to ramble too much. It’s late and the movie is definitely worth watching.
There’s also 21 other movies to watch and talk about.

Categories: Film