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For Your Literary Enjoyment

Disclaimer: I’m not a atheist, racist, or bigot. The point of this is to make you laugh. Not hurt your feelings. Once again, everything you are about to read is for comedic purposes. Well, most of it anyway.

If you go to enough doctor’s offices, dentist offices, or just about anywhere else where people typically wait around for extended periods of time, you’ll eventually come across a Chick Tract. These bad boys are published by a company called Chick Publications started by this guy Jack Chick. They’re basically evangelical comics folks hand out to lead people to Christ and warn them of Muslims, Homosexuals, Nazis, Catholics, and Catholic-Nazis (and for all you grammar Nazis out there, I capitalized the word homosexuals not because it is correct punctuation but because it looked weird amongst words that needed to be capitalized. I’m breaking barriers right now.)

I realize a lot of people aren’t aware of these fine pieces of American literature so I thought I would show off some of the finer publications. Included are descriptions, synopses, and pictures for your perusal.

Lets starts with three real-life facts

Real-Life Fact #1: Shriners are not white old men who drive funny little cars in parades and help children within the community. Shriners are actually witchcraft practicing Muslims who drive funny little cars and help children.

Real-Life Fact #2: The United States military hates Christians. This can be proven without a doubt in the tract entitled Holy Joe in which the protagonist, Holy Joe, neglects his duties as a soldier to talk about Christ and eventually gets on everybody’s nerves until they finally have had enough and send Joe into the Charlie infested jungles to get killed.

Our hero willingly wanders into the jungle and gets killed. God does not protect him because he apparently doesn’t pay attention to what is going on in Cambodia’s jungles or maybe it was just his time. Either way we can assume that Private Joe was not only a terrible soldier but also a complete jackass.

Seriously, this makes me uncomfortable.

Real-Life Fact #3: Homosexuals are violent, child molesting heathens hell bent on taking over the world. This is one of the most obvious of all real-life facts. This is pointed out in many of the Chick classics including Doom Town, Sin City, Birds and the Bees, and one of my personal favorites, The Gay Blade. None of which showing homosexual females. Proving my long held belief that there is nothing wrong with lesbians. That is until The Gay Blade was released. It briefly mentions that lesbians do as much as speak in public, which is probably about as bad to these folks as any other woman speaking in public. The main plot point is that homo-rebellion starts. Thus beginning the most fabulous uprising ever.

¡Viva la GAY Revolución!

One of my other favorites is Bad Bob!. First let me tell you, Bob is cool as hell. He sells drugs,  he takes no crap, and don’t you damn dare get his order wrong.

Leather jacket. Sweet shades. Awesome beard. Bad Bob.

So Bob gets nicked by the cops for selling meth out in the country with his failure of a drug dealer cousin. They get tossed in the can where Bob pretty much runs the place like a king. He even threatens to shank his own cousin for getting them caught.

While in the pokey, they’re visited by a guy who comes to tell them about the Gospel. So far the story is going pretty well and you can understand where they are going with this. That is, until you see the “hero” of the story. He’s about the most uncool person in the world.

Note the sweet rainbow on his t-shirt.

At this point I’m thinking “thanks, but no thanks”. I’d rather sell smack out in the boonies and and rough up squares in at the local diner with Bob than hang with this guy. I know I’m missing the point here and in the end Bob almost burns to death in a jail-house fire and gets saved while weeping like a little girl, but it really doesn’t give Christianity much of an appeal.

That isn’t the only comic to feature prison as a setting. In another tract entitled Trust Me a young man gets mixed up with scumbags like satanists, hippies, and people who shop at American Apparel and winds up in the joint. Naturally, you can probably assume what happens next.

If you guessed he gets anally raped, give yourself 10 points.

Yeah. That just happend. Take a guess what happens next. Go ahead. Guess.

If you guessed he gets AIDS after being anally raped, give yourself 10 bonus points.

Another one of my favorite stories, starring Michael Jai White as Leroy Brown, starts in the only place any great story starring a black man should start. That’s right, a prison.

In this gem, Soul Story, Leroy Brown gets released from prison on a technicality and proceeds to top Bad Bob as the baddest mo-fo that ever existed. As soon as he is released he goes out and literally pimp slaps a door off of its hinges to get his woman back.

And you thought I was joking about him being named Leroy Brown.

He starts a gang war and after his sweet grandma dies, they gun down his old lady at his older lady’s funeral.

So now Black Dynamite is pissed and is ready for a rampage. Just like the smooth pimp he, is he’s running game on his dead ex-gals sister before they can even get her in the ground. At this point Leroy is top J.A.M.F and beaten out Bad Bob as my favorite Chick character. That is until…

That’s right. Leroy’s inner monologue reveals that he feels the same way towards this new gal as he did his own grandmother and immediately in the next panel proceeds to try to get her in the sack. Very incestuous Leroy.

While browsing Chick tracts on their website I noticed this off to the side.

That’s a screenshot taken directly from the website. They’ve made tracts to be more relatable for black people. For example check out the following panel of Denzel schooling these fools in hoops.

The good people at Chick Publications even adapted the white comics so they could be more thoroughly enjoyed by African Americans. Take a look!

It doesn’t stop there.

Ok. Maybe this image was altered a little.

So far you’ve seen how over the top these things get. Some even claim the holocaust was orchestrated by the Catholic church and hurricane Katrina was God’s wrath because he was unhappy with America, but I’ve saved the craziest for the last. It’s titled Lisa. It was discontinued many years ago and Chick Publications no longer has it on their website to be viewed or acknowledges it’s existence.

Not even joking about this one. The basic plot is that stressing about his finances and watching porn turns a little girl’s father into a raging child molester. He invites his buddy over for a little bit of the old porno watching where they decide to trade off molesting his daughter.

After the molesting, Lisa gets diagnosed with herpes. (No joke. This is really what happens.) The doctor who treats her does what any responsible medical practitioner/sane human being would do. No, he doesn’t call the police. He just scolds the father and teaches him about the gospel of Jesus Christ. The story doesn’t end like plenty of the other Chick tracts with the characters dying and burning in hell for eternity. The perverts don’t even get arrested and contract AIDS from violent prison rape. They just go about their lives.

No. Not really.

Seriously. What the hell?

Categories: Humor, Propaganda, Religion
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